Have you ever gotten the feeling that your life is stuck in slow motion and no matter what you do you can't possibly get it to move just a little bit faster. My life is like that right now. I'm stuck in slow-mo and I want out. I in between on everything in my life. High School and College. Friendships and Enemies. Birth and Death. Love and Hate. I'm stuck and I want out.

But what does it mean to be out? To move forward and never look back. What if moving forward means your loosing the things you hold the closest to you?

I suppose I'll start with college. I'm still not sure if I'm going to even be able to go, which completely sucks. I want to go so badly, but my grandpa took away the money my grandma left me and my parents split two weeks before my sixteenth birthday. My dad, I love him and all, but it seems like ever since I chose to live with my mom instead of him that he doesn't think he should support me. He doesn't think he should have to give my mom even a little bit of money to get me through college. Thus leaving it all to me and mom. This probably wouldn't be a problem if I could get a job, but hardly anyone is hiring and if they are they don't want someone with little job experience. All of this is leaving me in a very bad mood. I don't like being stuck in slow motion while all my friends are moving forward with their lives. They're going to college and I'm sick of hearing about it. I know it isn't fair of me to take it out on them, but maybe they should consider my feelings as well. I don't like being forced to hear about something I might not be able to experience my self.

Love and Hate. I'm almost nineteen years old, will be in nine days, and yet I've never fallen in love or even dated someone I would even consider falling in love with. I've had relationships in the past, none lasted longer then a couple of months. The longest relationship I had ended on my junior prom night, stupid much? I hated him for the longest time after, but I don't any more. That's just the kind of person I am. I might hate you, or strongly dislike you, for a long time but I'll eventually get over it. You just have to give me time. Which is exactly how I feel about the college thing. It's been a while since I really got angry over how my life was going. I even eventually told one of the friends I was taking it out on that that was why. Honesty is the best policy my ass.

I'm just going to say this now. She asked me for a face to face to talk about it, but I feel like this is the closest she's going to get to having that. First, after I told her I found out my sister was coming down for the weekend and staying until Tuesday. I hardly ever get to see her, the last time being three months ago, so I didn't really want to a weekend in a bad mood so I told her I'd have to wait until after that, that way I didn't get angry at my sister for something stupid. That weekend I found out my dad wanted me down there, so I went to see him and my other sister (those two I see even less then my older sister). It's been a week and I still don't know when I'm going to be home again. Most likely it won't be until Halloween, which means I won't be able to talk to her then because my sisters and their friends are coming over. I find it utterly ridiculous to plan a face to face with someone when I don't even know when I'm going to be back at my mom's house and since I told her I would text her when I found out when we could I haven't yet texted her. Apparently my word means absolutely nothing to her since now she's mad at me. Hence the reason I say this will be the closest thing for a face to face she's going to get.

She says I only talk to her when it benefits me, which is total bull. Sorry I don't drop everything I'm doing to text you back. Hell, I hardly reply to any of my texts. My family doesn't even get a reply from me half the time. I hardly take my phone with me when I go out somewhere and when I'm at home it's rarely on me so I sometimes don't get a text for two to three days and by then it would be stupid to reply.

It's also kind of hard to talk to her considering she never opens up to me. The only times she has was when she found out something about her grandmother, which I'm not going to say here because it's her family business. She texted me when she found out, but I didn't look at my phone until ten o'clock that night. Instead of responding to her then I waited until school the next day. Actually, I seriously debated on going over to her house right then but my mom closed that night. I still debated on going over there when mom got off, but I doubted her mom would appreciate me coming over at four in the morning. There was only one other time she fully opened up to me and that was when she found out her dad wouldn't help her mom. I still don't know what fully happened that time because she said she'd either call me or come visit sometime to tell me, neither ever happened. Hell, I didn't even find out she went out on a date with one of our other friends from her. I found out from one of the guys they double dated with. I talk about relationships with my family and my older sisters friends more then my friend. It's kind of ridiculous. I don't even think my friend has ever told me a single person she has had a crush on.

I know most of that is petty stuff, but it's kind of hard to talk to someone when they don't seem to want to open up to you. So maybe we should save each other the trouble and end this. She seems to want to anyways. But that would suck. I would not only loose one of my best friends but it would be my sixteenth birthday all over again. A week and a couple of days before my next birthday.

Right now? I feel like screaming my head off. And since I'm home alone right now it sounds like a great option.

That brings me to the last thing. Birth and Death. We're stuck in the middle, living our Life to the fullest we can. It just sucks that everything seems so bad in my life right now. I need someone I can talk to about things, but the only people I normally go to I can't. My mom doesn't know what's going on, my older sister has her own problems to deal with, and my friend wants to end things.

Life's great, isn't it?

Don't bother commenting on this or messaging me about it. I don't care about what people think about this and I'll more then likely ignore all of it.